Are we or no somos ?

I don't know where J and I stand anymore. After the break things have just gotten so weird and unconfortable.

We talk about nothing and the only thing in my mind everyday is the question of whether he will call me that day or not.

When i call him he doesn't pick up, and if he calls back i don't have anything else to say back to him.

When we talk all we do is blame each other for being selfish and not thinking about the other person in the relationship.

Navidad is 1 day away....

Christmas is tomorrow and i have nothing ready! I just want to say just for the record... I HATE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. It is soo complicated to shop for people, is like a question. Do you really know them, do you know what they would like? How much are they worth to you ? I don't know everybody else, but i do this thing where i add up what they bought me and see how much i am worth to them. Except for my brothers, i know that they love me and that the only things that they can afford for me comes from dollar tree.

I told that to J the other day, and he told me "ok, let me see what did you get me last year. I don't remember, most likely nothing which according to you means that you don't care about me."

That's another thing, i can't remember what people got me last year.... only the black pants Maria got me.

Ayer fui a comprar regalos para mis hermanas y no pude encontrar algo que les gustara. Y me la pase pensando, son mis hermanas y no tengo ni la menor idea de que les puedo regalar.

It just doesn't feel like christmas anymore, i don't know if it's because i'm old or because I'm in this country, but it just doesn't feel like christmas.

Happy Holidays !

Ok, so we are not in a break

Last weekend I went to jim's graduation. He didn't invite me I invited myself. I knew that his graduation was the day before the deadline that i had given him, for SPACE, but i had to be there. I got to see him working on this soooo hard for two years and I just had to be there.

I gave him until wednesday to call me and invite me, I waited like a complete loca for the F*&^%$$ phone to ring and i wasn't doing it. Like i said i kept myself busy to the point that i would feel sick the next morning. Anyway at the same time i was planning a christmas party for everybody in LADO and techbridge and an intercambio. Thursday night after waiting I took a couple deep breaths and called. Busy..... called his cell... it was turned off..... call his appartment again.... busy..... i was starting to feel sick. It was 9:45 and i know that one he goes to bed he does not answer the phone, even if he can hear it. At 10:05 i called again and my stomach started turning. After 3 rings he picked up.
"hello" he answered.
"Hey it's me, i just wanted to ask you a couple of questions." I said without even stopping to ask how he was.
"Ok" he said.
"First, are you still going to your graduation". I asked him.
"I got the outfit for it" he answer, which i took to mean, They are dragging me there even though i don't want to go".
"ok, then Am I invited to your graduation" I asked.
A 5 second silence that felt more like the two weeks that i hadn't spoken to him.
"If you want to come" he finally manage to get out.
Am i suppossed to take that as a yes, or i wasn't going to invite you but if you are coming there is nothing that i can possibly do to stop you." I said critically. By this 30 seconds of conversation i was already sooooo sorry that i had even bother.
His voice was cold and unemotional.
"No, that means I don't know if you have time to come or if you have to go right away" He said. "I WAS going to call you and invite you but everytime that you come you always have to go and rush back, that i didn't think you would want to come".

I wanted to start yelling at him, "What??? this is only one of the most important days of your life and you don't care for me to be there??"
I tried to stay calm and said to him " but i want to go, I want to be there."
"Ok, what time are you planning to go home?" he asked as calm and cold hearted as he could.
I went from angry to sad and pathetic. How could he not want me to be there, did he really not care about me the same way he had only couple of years ago?

"how does that matter" i asked confused
"well, there is no point on you coming here if you will be leaving in 2 hours".
He was being soo mean, or at least it felt like it.
No, I'm getting there at 8 in the morning and coming back at 5." I replied back to him.
"Ok", he answered but it didn't sound like he cared.
"Do you know how to get to Giant center?" he asked.
Why is he asking me this, he has taken me there at least 30 times over the last two years.
"yes" I answered back to him in a not so happy tone.
"you will need a parking permit, do you have one?"
Now i was starting to get upset, he wasn't asking me to meet him at his place so that we could all leave in the same car with him, his parents and be a mini family. No, he wasn't asking that. He was telling me that if i wanted to go there I had to go there on my own car.

"no," i said to him, without daring to question him about why we wouldn't go together.

"I will fax you one to work tomorrow"
"ok, i will e-mail you the fax number at work".
"Anything else?" he asked
What did he mean anything else, yes..... a lot more. Why haven't you called me, have you even missed me, why didn't you call before, is there somebody else that is already going in the car and that is why i am not allowed to go with you? Yes, a million questions. But i could not say that
"yes, but do we talk about it now?"
"no, i guess there would be time for that another day". He answered. "or is there anything you would like to say"
"NO, because if i start to say it i will cry." I can't believe i had said that.

Another day en el infierno

Yep, the story of my life. Thanks for letting me talk about this, I keep going around pretending that nothing has happened but nobody understands how i feel inside. If you knew us both you would say that we both had it coming, we have a long distance relationship and we got to a point where we were too busy with work, school and other things to really pay attention to each other.
It was his decision to take some time to think about things, he says he "needs some space" to what i said "F***ing move to Mars", but he didn't think it was funny.
I love him and I do want to get married to him, but i'm not going to wait all my life for him to figure where he is in his life, I'm not ready to go and date either, couple of months ago i was getting ready to get married, now I'm thinking of ways to not start crying while I’m at work.

Kill me de una vez

Jim and I are on a break. A BREAK ! Will somebody explain to me just what in the world that means! I think only gringos can use something like that so loosely... I think i need a break, or I need some space.... F*&%#ing move to Mars ! But I love him and I'm sure we are supposed to be getting married, so I tolerate it.

I feel sooo sad and lonely. It was different when I knew he didn't call because he was busy or when i couln't talk to him because I was busy, but it's just a completely different thing when I know he doesn't call because he is thinking about "us" and really needs to figure out what is it that he wants.